Goodbyes

Tonight it feels like everything has already ended — the problem is that it hasn’t. Tonight I’m keeping myself awake, deep into all hours of the night, drowning in every lasting minute I have left before the sun comes up. Tonight I’ll do everything in my power to keep tomorrow from happening… which, admittedly and quite obviously, is not much. Tomorrow is when I say my goodbyes. Tomorrow, I’ll wake up the same way and do everything the same way I have been, routinely, for the past year, but it’ll be the last time I’ll ever do them. I know there’s a lot more waiting, further ahead in the future for me. But I can’t see it. How can I see it, with my vision blurred like an aquatic mirage, like everything in front of me is just some abstract concept? Like none of this is real? Like I’m just watching everything play out in front of me, and everything’s happening all at once, so fast, like someone’s fast-forwarding what once was my entire life?

Everything I’ve lived, now disappearing, fading into the realms of my memories; and had  it not been for myself, the world might as well have erased these histories, these existences, instances only I knew of.

So tonight, I’ll pretend that it’s all over. That way I’ll never have to end anything, I can keep pretending that my time isn’t up yet — it’s merely on pause — and someday, everything will resume once more. That way I won’t see their smiles for the last time, I won’t have to hear the words that’ll force me to move on, that’ll force me to leave behind everything I once cherished and considered precious to me.

I know nothing stays the same. I wish it weren’t true. I wish it weren’t such an absolute, undeniable truth, because how frustrating is it to know that there are some things you can’t change? That there are some things that really are impossible? Such an idea goes against everything I learned and took to heart as a kid, but now I’m forced to come to terms with the fact, to face this inevitable reality, because everyone faces it. 

I know time doesn’t stop for anyone. I wish it did, though.

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