Drink Me – Alice on Hesitation

Just as long as I move, I’ll be okay.

It doesn’t matter what steps I take or where. I just have to keep moving forward; I’ll find my way out eventually. It’s too soon to lose hope. An older version of me would have hesitated, have stowed herself away, shrunk herself into something tiny, something of insecurity and learned helplessness. I can’t afford to do that anymore, not now that I have something to protect.

I seek help (there’s not much around except the dark and vague shapes resembling trees), but it’s a gloomy forest, somber atmosphere. I should think there’ll be a pink and purple cat somewhere to lead me astray, else guide me. Though in my mind I try to make light of the situation my heart throbs with fear, it feels heavy, leaden.

No paths are present so I wander aimlessly, it’s hard to keep track of where I’ve been, everything really just merges into the background. Is there any point in what I’m doing? Am I stuck, after all? What, am I just going to accept things as they are, belittle myself when myself is all I have nowadays, I’m just going to let the world fuck me over, too? How could I? What else can I do?

You don’t have to be alone. 

Someone, or something, rather, I didn’t expect. A bottle, presenting itself ostentatiously, like it’s hope, it could be poison. Chocolate in all its sweetness can be deathly to a different species.

Drink me. I can be the cure. 

A sweet aroma drifts over, it’s so odd, out of place in the strange environment I’m in. It shouldn’t be here, but it’s found its way.

Drink me. There’s a solution to everything. Come, let go of all that burdens you. 

Too weird. I hesitate, but its weirdness is familiar as well, like an old friend. A light I’ve seen, a warmth I’ve felt before. But it’s been so long, how can it be real? How can it be here?

Come, stop being such a drama queen of hearts. 

“…What?”

The absurdity of this situation hits me all at once, and I try to stifle myself by covering my mouth with my hand, like I’m about to puke, but a laugh escapes me inevitably.

I laugh and laugh, and then I remember where I heard the joke first. In the back of my mind, it’s like a distant island, a distant past I can almost see, but it’s blurry, even so I try to make out the original source. A memory I’ve long since reminisced. It’s hard to dig it up, there’s been interference but I try to reconstruct it in my head anyway.

I first heard it in homeroom. It’s hard to believe now that it’s been so long, that I’ve experienced so many other things after it but I remember. It’s a life long past me, so far away it almost doesn’t seem real but it must have been. Have I jumped worlds? No, I just feel like I have, I’m still me, surely nothing has changed, I must have just gotten lost.

I must get back. There are so many problems I’ve yet to resolve. There are things I need to do, things only I can do. How could I have just abandoned my responsibilities? Unjust, not admirable at all.

Staying in this forest would be making no progress, I can’t stay here forever. I can’t remain stagnant my whole life, I haven’t even lived half my life yet. There are so many things that are waiting for me, the future is waiting for me, my future that I have to write out myself, and I can write anything, the blank pages are mine. Though the world might be crashing down around me (it hurts, I admit it does), I cannot merely stop moving. I cannot stay in one place. Life goes on and if I have to go on with it I might as well run, I can’t drag my feet forever.

There was a brightness before. I’m sure there will be brightness again. And if not, I can always bring it back myself.

Shouldn’t be too hard.

I drink, drink, drink. It doesn’t matter what I do, I just have to move forward, go in some direction. My journey isn’t over. There are good and bad parts to it, I’ll get through all of them.

Drink, drink, drink.

There’s no time to lose; I’ve wasted enough. I will stop hesitating. I will face the world, no matter what lies in store for me. I’m ready, at last.

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